Last week was a weird one. I had a doctors appointment due to some pains and symptoms I’d been feeling, best to get anything checked out I say. Which is funny because I used to be scared of going to see a doctor. Any pains or lumps I would be absolutely terrified. I told myself if anything is there I don’t want to know about it, that was a young (stupid) me. Now I’m on it asap. I found a few lumps in my breast a few years back, it was before I had Olivia. I went to my doctor 3 times in a year due to 3 different lumps found, I went for scans and luckily it was ok but my doctor made a comment I’ll never forget. “Oh you’re back again about a breast lump, that’s 3 times now, you don’t need to come every time you feel something” was that a joke? He made me feel stupid and that I shouldn’t have gone to him. I know the previous two were nothing but what if this one was different? I didn’t know?! And I wanted to know!I will always check any pains or abnormalities now, especially with the nose dive my health has taken! So off I went, explained my symptoms to the doctor, he says ‘It sounds like endometriosis’ this is something I have heard of but don’t know too much about. I just know that it’s not very nice. He said we will book you in for some swabs and a scan which is next Tuesday and we will see what that comes back with and then discuss further plans if need be. I sat there listening to his words and I think the old me (pre Lupus, pre you have a tumour) would have probably felt completed devastated and cried, but not now. I just sat there, numb to his words. I know nothing has been confirmed yet but I think maybe I’m just preparing myself for the worst, mentally because I’m so used to hearing bad news when it comes to my health that if I tell myself the worst it won’t come to too much of a shock when (if) I hear the words. I seriously hope it’s nothing, but with the pain and other ways I’ve been feeling there has to be something going on. Unless I’m a massive hypochondriac 😂
Again, I get home to Jack and I can tell he’s down about it and feeling deflated, he just feels ‘why you?’ And I can see it in his eyes how much it breaks his heart. But it was weird, I had nothing… just blocked it out and carried on like normal. I said ‘come on, it’s fine. We don’t have answers yet, let’s not worry and if there is something then we will just deal with that like we have everything else’. I know he feels sad for me.
Having lupus has made me a stronger person. I definately see things a lot differently and cope with things a hell of a lot better, it’s made me a more positive person who won’t give up. In that way I am grateful for that Lupus (I still hate you).
Other then that I’ve been feeling well. Still always fatigued! And I’m wide awake at 5.30 on the dot every morning, it’s a nightmare! I’m ready for bed at 8pm every night. I actually did go to bed at 8 last night 😂 but I’d been out all day and anyone who suffers chronic fatigue will know that that would wipe you out! It’s weird, you feel like you have ran a marathon. I get short of breath very quickly now and the next day after a big day out my joints hurt and I feel like a dead weight stuck on my bed. I feel like I’m tin man. Need a decent oil up so I can get up!
On a positive… Now I don’t know if this is due to my steroid reduction (or that fact that I’m not scoffing a family sized bag of buttons a night!) but I’ve lost almost a stone in weight! I feel like my moon face is deflating a bit and my clothes are feeling a bit more comfortable. I’ve probably eaten enough this weekend to gain it all again 😂 but I am pleased with the loss. The other day I actually chose to snack on some fruit instead of a bar of chocolate (who am I?) things are going well though I’m doing something I am loving, I’m getting more confident by the day and generally feeling like myself.
So here’s to (hopefully) a good week.