Parenting and Chronic Illness.

This is for my fellow mamas/papas out there who are suffering with any chronic illness… Guys! How bloody tough is it?!

I find myself going through these stages where I feel like a terrible mum because I can’t do things I’d be able to do if I had my health and it makes me feel like I’m letting Olivia down.

I feel like some days all I say is “mummy can’t do that darling” or “mummies too tired” “mummy needs a lie down and I’ll be with you” knowing full well I won’t because It hurts to move and it makes me feel lazy and shit! I do always push myself though and always will for her but my body just reminds me that it’s not that easy anymore.

For example last night, whilst Olivia was waiting for her dinner, we put on some music “Trolls” soundtrack and we had a little dance together, now I didn’t do anything to extra… no back flips or body popping – just a little silly dancing and the robot and about an hour later I am laid up in all kinds of pain. My knees and ankles swell and my legs throb, the thigh pain is outrageous. I have to lay down and keep them elevated! All this pain and grief from 10 minutes of fun with my girl.

Today we went for a walk to the park and Liv wanted me to go down the slide with her and jump on the trampoline with her and chase her around and I physically can’t do that, I don’t even know if she understands but it breaks my heart having to say no all the time. Will her childhood memories be of me constantly saying no and not being able to do certain things with her? We’re back home now and I need to make lunch but my legs are burning, sore and swollen. It’s taking everything for me to get up and even make lunch… which is such a small task to a person with there health. It’s like climbing a mountain for me. This isn’t a pity party I just want to know if other parents feel like this?

Some days I could probably lay in bed all day, I could sleep all day – I still wouldn’t feel rested so there wouldn’t even be any point in that! Mornings are a struggle, Liv comes in at 7, which to me isn’t early, but from my Initial wake up from her it then takes me about an hour to actually wake up and get out of bed. My head is foggy I’ve said before it’s like my brain is stuffed with cotton wool, I feel hungover.

I don’t have a bad life, far from it and I’ve adapted pretty well with my “new” life so to speak and I always think of the good things in my life and what I’m grateful for but sometimes I can’t help thinking how crap this is and why me? And that this is actually my forever now… I wish it was just a bad dream that I’d wake up from it and feel fit and healthy! I’m not a jealous person but I am actually a bit envious of people with full health, you guys honestly don’t know how lucky you are and I certainly took my health for granted pre Diagnosis and probably didn’t look after my body as much as I could have.

Anyway, my darling girl Olivia – remember although mummy can’t do certain things other mummy’s can and I can’t keep up with you most days, you are my world I love you with all my heart and more and I’ll always try my best 👯❤️

That’s it from me, have a fab week.

Love Lauren the 29 year old trapped in the 99 year olds body 🙈